Ask “Rabbi” Grump

Note: “Rabbi” Grump is not a real rabbi, nor does he have any formal religious training.  He is also about as Jewish as Osama bin Laden.  Still, with the help of his longtime cohort, washed-up Borscht Belt comedian Schmucky Green, he has undertaken to provide the kind of advice you can expect from a rabbi impersonator.  So go and consult a real rabbi if you want to.  He will probably just explain to you the right thing to do, which will probably be no fun at all, or make you say a bunch of Hail Marys and Our Fathers or whatever it is that those people do.  Or you can join the millions of people who get their spiritual guidance from reading “Rabbi” Grump’s column, or from buying his bestselling new book: Talmud for the Sociopath: Judaism Without Guilt.

Dear “Rabbi” Grump:

My wife is crazy.  Crazy, I’m telling you.  The problem is now she’s driving me crazy too.  Divorce is out of the question.  Even if I could afford it, she has over a dozen lawyers in her family, and by the time they got through with me, I would be lucky to end up in jail.  I’ve thought about suicide, but I’m a religious man, and I’m afraid she’ll follow me to Hell.  What can I do? – Meshugga in Miami

Dear Mushy:

So you think you have problems?  Please.  My wife lives to torment me.  Every day it’s the same thing.  Nothing but kvetching.  “Grumpela, you’re drunk again.  Grumpela, you spent all our money at the racetrack.  Grumpela, you smell like a pigsty.  Would it be too much to ask for you to take a bath once a week?  Grumpela, you lost your job again.  The children are starving, and I have nothing but rags to wear.  Grumpela, the landlord came for the rent this morning.  He says he can’t wait any longer.  He says he saw you at the bar, buying drinks for one of your whores.  My mother told me this would happen.  She said, ‘This is a schlemihl you want to marry.  He’ll never amount to anything.  A good-for-nothing like everyone else in his family.’  Oy, why didn’t I listen to her?  I could have been a rich man’s wife, living in luxury, but I had to marry a lazy fool.”

Listen, let me ask you a favor.  If you ever figure out how to get to get rid of that wife of yours, tell me how you did it.  I’ll be forever in your debt.